read Fruit, The Lovely Bones and By the Light of my Father's Smile by the lovely and talented Alice Walker. also Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart. also the Gargoyle. The list is endless.
listen to Sarah Slean
watch In Treatment with Gabriel Byrne (also lovely and talented)
go eat a mango even if it IS imported and not PC. They are too delicious to ignore. Put it in your wine if you must.
I'm wearing a dress today-ok so I have pants on underneath it but it is a dress nonetheless.
have a lovely day.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
day off from school
playing hookey today for the first time in a long long time. We're going to have a spa at home-massage, facials, pedicures. We're going to watch the soccer game and eat chips. The girls are setting up a fort now. All trying to heal a bit and establish a peaceful coordinate, all trying to do better than we have done in the past. Coffee would be perfect.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
a new day
Lying in my bed last night late late late I wasn't asleep.
I was crying the late night cry when the tears just come and come and come and the possibility of all that you wanted just disappears with the wind and nothing else really matters anymore except salvation.
Eventually sleep came-with it dreams of drowning kittens only a few of whom I could save in the undulation of the waves higher than we had thought.
And then morning and business as usual-get up, get the kids ready, make sure they've got everything, here are your glasses, take out the recycling.
And then this calm, my eyes are still sore.
(p.s. found my kitty safe and sound under some bushes awaiting rescue)
I was crying the late night cry when the tears just come and come and come and the possibility of all that you wanted just disappears with the wind and nothing else really matters anymore except salvation.
Eventually sleep came-with it dreams of drowning kittens only a few of whom I could save in the undulation of the waves higher than we had thought.
And then morning and business as usual-get up, get the kids ready, make sure they've got everything, here are your glasses, take out the recycling.
And then this calm, my eyes are still sore.
(p.s. found my kitty safe and sound under some bushes awaiting rescue)
Monday, May 25, 2009
Monday morning
7:15 am- clean up maggots that are crawling all over my kitchen floor.
7:45 am-trip over mouse on my way to the laundry room to wash rugs covered in maggots. mouse doesn't run to hide, rather simply looks confused.
9:30 am-it's a holiday in the states so i cannot get a guy over to repair my fridge which is under recall due to an exploding part. I must wait until tomorrow. Have not had a fridge since Saturday. Have no food in house save for what I can fit in my cooler. Customer service cannot explain why I cannot get a Canadian service person to service a Canadian bought appliance on a Canadian business day.
10:30 am-lose cat. she was visiting a friend with us then just disappeared. 4 year old is distraught.
11:00 am-find mouse. trap mouse. take mouse out to forest where it blindly sniffs the air. figure it will take the remaining 2 cats about 10 minutes to track and kill it.
12:00 pm-waiting to spontaneously combust.
7:45 am-trip over mouse on my way to the laundry room to wash rugs covered in maggots. mouse doesn't run to hide, rather simply looks confused.
9:30 am-it's a holiday in the states so i cannot get a guy over to repair my fridge which is under recall due to an exploding part. I must wait until tomorrow. Have not had a fridge since Saturday. Have no food in house save for what I can fit in my cooler. Customer service cannot explain why I cannot get a Canadian service person to service a Canadian bought appliance on a Canadian business day.
10:30 am-lose cat. she was visiting a friend with us then just disappeared. 4 year old is distraught.
11:00 am-find mouse. trap mouse. take mouse out to forest where it blindly sniffs the air. figure it will take the remaining 2 cats about 10 minutes to track and kill it.
12:00 pm-waiting to spontaneously combust.
Friday, May 22, 2009
The day
This is what it looks like: my cat tumbling merrily along behind me, crossing over in front of my feet to roll over onto her belly for a rub. Me tripping over her again and again. It repeats every six or seven feet.
This is what it smells like: the lilacs are in bloom. Every bush I pass offers up a whiff of their loveliness. The trees by the ravine exploding in their glory and nobody ever goes there so nobody ever knows how high the bees are off this scent.
This is what it feels like: We park the car between the Mercedes SUV (fucking huge beastie) and the Porsche. Walk towards the hall past the Lexus, the Volvo, the Beemer and the Range Rover. We are not worthy. We are intruders and have no right to care about this stuff-should be at our jobs packing toothbrushes into boxes. My clothes and hair confirm my low status. The hall is cool and as we walk to our seats-coffees in hand-I can hear one of the mothers just loud enough for me to hear "the sign clearly says no food or drink allowed" I laugh, still rebellious.
This is what it smells like: the lilacs are in bloom. Every bush I pass offers up a whiff of their loveliness. The trees by the ravine exploding in their glory and nobody ever goes there so nobody ever knows how high the bees are off this scent.
This is what it feels like: We park the car between the Mercedes SUV (fucking huge beastie) and the Porsche. Walk towards the hall past the Lexus, the Volvo, the Beemer and the Range Rover. We are not worthy. We are intruders and have no right to care about this stuff-should be at our jobs packing toothbrushes into boxes. My clothes and hair confirm my low status. The hall is cool and as we walk to our seats-coffees in hand-I can hear one of the mothers just loud enough for me to hear "the sign clearly says no food or drink allowed" I laugh, still rebellious.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Liberated woman
I saw K.D. lang singing on tv last week and as I watched her, all masculine on the outside, pure feminine on the inside-I thought she looked like a happy cat sunning herself on the terrace.
"I want to look like that" I thought-like a happy cat, belly full, fur all cleaned and smiling away to myself.
It looked like the face of a liberated woman.
No makeup, flowing robes (yes, she looked like she was wearing robes), bare feet and that voice all came together to form the zen of k.d. Lang. Lots of creativity flowing out of her, totally not giving a shit whether she fit the mold of who she was supposed to be. She knew who she was.
I began to think about what was my version of a liberated woman-and what I need to accomplish before I can feel like that cat sunning myself on the terrace in all my glory-at least as much of the time as i can weather.
It doesn't involve looking young, owning whatever item of clothing I am supposed to want, or having a certain lifestyle. It is mostly about doing the things which move me closer to God-to living in a way that brings me closer to the hearts and lives of the people I care about, and to my own hearts desire. To placing myself in the sun, so to speak.
what is your version of Liberated?
"I want to look like that" I thought-like a happy cat, belly full, fur all cleaned and smiling away to myself.
It looked like the face of a liberated woman.
No makeup, flowing robes (yes, she looked like she was wearing robes), bare feet and that voice all came together to form the zen of k.d. Lang. Lots of creativity flowing out of her, totally not giving a shit whether she fit the mold of who she was supposed to be. She knew who she was.
I began to think about what was my version of a liberated woman-and what I need to accomplish before I can feel like that cat sunning myself on the terrace in all my glory-at least as much of the time as i can weather.
It doesn't involve looking young, owning whatever item of clothing I am supposed to want, or having a certain lifestyle. It is mostly about doing the things which move me closer to God-to living in a way that brings me closer to the hearts and lives of the people I care about, and to my own hearts desire. To placing myself in the sun, so to speak.
what is your version of Liberated?
Thursday, May 14, 2009
encirclement
This morning I went to one of my bookshelves to find a spell of protection or cleansing that I can use to help a situation at home which has been developing for some time with my man. I found the book and I opened it to a page (or more accurately the page presented itself to me for my consideration) which was titled ENCIRCLEMENT.
encirclement is about the desire to turn back time so that one may reverse a difficult situation, perhaps an argument, that has resulted in a relationship that is becoming too undone or distant. it is about reversing the polarity of a situation before it gets too far out of hand. The holly leaf and the colour yellow are very important factors in performing magic that can turn things around, as are magnets, compasses and the scents of coriander and tuberose. It embodies the feelings of compassion, forgiveness and a strong desire for a happier conclusion for both parties.
The spell should be performed on a waning moon.
If it is successful, both people should be able to get together no more than a week later with the same goal of repairing the damage that has been done.
encirclement is about the desire to turn back time so that one may reverse a difficult situation, perhaps an argument, that has resulted in a relationship that is becoming too undone or distant. it is about reversing the polarity of a situation before it gets too far out of hand. The holly leaf and the colour yellow are very important factors in performing magic that can turn things around, as are magnets, compasses and the scents of coriander and tuberose. It embodies the feelings of compassion, forgiveness and a strong desire for a happier conclusion for both parties.
The spell should be performed on a waning moon.
If it is successful, both people should be able to get together no more than a week later with the same goal of repairing the damage that has been done.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
yesterday, running
I should watch what I say, I am not sure what to write-how to write it. How much does one give up on these sites-information that is? Some people would be very upset to read this stuff but sometimes it is the only friend I tell, this space here.
Running through the woods yesterday with a blanket of white and pink trilliums spread out before me I thought of calling out to my women. I thought of being in the middle of a circle in a heap of tears and comforting words and soothing touches. I thought of them passing along their words of wisdom, their strength to me in my time of need. I thought of them passing along to me their charms of protection from the attackers in my life who come. I thought of the truth and what it would do to everyone.
Then as I ran I felt the power of the forest. I felt the new growth and even the power of new death as I ran over the carpet of needles made by the hundred year old white pine that didn't make it through a bad winter storm. I felt the deer and the rabbits and the foxes and the coyotes watching me as I ran. I heard the squirrels scurrying away up into the safety of the trees and the sunlight teased me through the leaves.
Then as I grew stronger in the woods I saw the faces of my women- loving, beautiful and very strong and wise. My tears ran down my cheeks as I ran. I told my sadness to the woods and the woods told me it was time to do some protective magic. I need to protect myself. I think I recognize the signs now.
Running through the woods yesterday with a blanket of white and pink trilliums spread out before me I thought of calling out to my women. I thought of being in the middle of a circle in a heap of tears and comforting words and soothing touches. I thought of them passing along their words of wisdom, their strength to me in my time of need. I thought of them passing along to me their charms of protection from the attackers in my life who come. I thought of the truth and what it would do to everyone.
Then as I ran I felt the power of the forest. I felt the new growth and even the power of new death as I ran over the carpet of needles made by the hundred year old white pine that didn't make it through a bad winter storm. I felt the deer and the rabbits and the foxes and the coyotes watching me as I ran. I heard the squirrels scurrying away up into the safety of the trees and the sunlight teased me through the leaves.
Then as I grew stronger in the woods I saw the faces of my women- loving, beautiful and very strong and wise. My tears ran down my cheeks as I ran. I told my sadness to the woods and the woods told me it was time to do some protective magic. I need to protect myself. I think I recognize the signs now.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
the incredible shrinking woman
The morning after my wedding, my new husband arranged to have the caterers bring a breakfast tray to our apartment as a treat for me-a romantic surprise. Strawberries with cream, coffee, croissant, champagne-my perfect breakfast in a hotel. Because I was completely surprised, I still think now even 17 years later that it may have been the most romantic thing ever.
He was a romantic man-always sending me flowers and chocolates and long love letters and cards expressing his joy at having me in his life and how he loved me. He was the first man to treat me well that way and although I wasn't used to it, I liked it, liked being "spoiled" and I have to say I fell for it.
I hate holidays now. Valentine's Day, Birthdays, Mother's Day, Anniversaries are all just about me trying to wrestle my desire to be spoiled a bit and shown, if only in words some love and joy at being known with the reality of my man's attitude towards these days and I guess, toward me. It's a struggle to feel hopeful yet keep my expectations low. I hate that struggle, yet it is so hard to not want something from someone, especially when they are hiding it behind their backs.
It's hard always trying to shrink my heart so that it will fit into his.
He was a romantic man-always sending me flowers and chocolates and long love letters and cards expressing his joy at having me in his life and how he loved me. He was the first man to treat me well that way and although I wasn't used to it, I liked it, liked being "spoiled" and I have to say I fell for it.
I hate holidays now. Valentine's Day, Birthdays, Mother's Day, Anniversaries are all just about me trying to wrestle my desire to be spoiled a bit and shown, if only in words some love and joy at being known with the reality of my man's attitude towards these days and I guess, toward me. It's a struggle to feel hopeful yet keep my expectations low. I hate that struggle, yet it is so hard to not want something from someone, especially when they are hiding it behind their backs.
It's hard always trying to shrink my heart so that it will fit into his.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Trilliums
My hands are dirty, dirty from the garden. My nails are short but there is still dirt underneath them. I don't even think about manicures, even when I get a glimpse of a woman with lovely hands, freshly manicured. Mine are working through the summer outdoors in the dirt with the worms and the compost. We went into the woods close by to "steal" more Trilliums-we replant them in the woods behind my backyard so they can spread themselves around a bit. I got some more ferns too. I'm in love with the woods. In love with this day.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
on the brain
Things that happened this week:
two dead bunnies bodies without their heads in my backyard have gone missing. My middle cat is the murderer I am sure but I can't figure out who is stealing the bodies.
I had just finished telling a mom friend about The Lovely Bones which is a book about a young girl who is brutally raped and murdered and her afterlife in heaven when a man exited the fort in the bushes that our children were noisily running toward so they could play pirates in it. He hightailed it for the main road without looking back and had disappeared before we could catch up with him. I had originally planned on sneaking up to the fort so the kids could see how mysterious and "secret" it was. Who knows what I would've come across.
A big giant man walking in front of me at the train station made extemely rude remarks to his buddies about a young girl passing out cards for a "gentleman's club". He made these comments openly and without invitation forgetting the fact that he crossed over to the other side of the station to receive her card. Nobody said anything in response, including his buddies, but I was filled with a murderous rage so intense that I actually imagined his body hanging off a meat hook like a pig I once saw in a slaughter house (his legs reminded me of giant hams). I tried to pass him but he was so big and dumb and oblivious that everytime I made a step to get ahead he blocked my way with his meaty swagger. I decided to stop walking altogether and I waited until he had passed beyond my sight before I continued.
I am always looking for signs and omens but often fail to see them until it's too late-being a primitive human and not nurturing my connection to the divine as I should.
two dead bunnies bodies without their heads in my backyard have gone missing. My middle cat is the murderer I am sure but I can't figure out who is stealing the bodies.
I had just finished telling a mom friend about The Lovely Bones which is a book about a young girl who is brutally raped and murdered and her afterlife in heaven when a man exited the fort in the bushes that our children were noisily running toward so they could play pirates in it. He hightailed it for the main road without looking back and had disappeared before we could catch up with him. I had originally planned on sneaking up to the fort so the kids could see how mysterious and "secret" it was. Who knows what I would've come across.
A big giant man walking in front of me at the train station made extemely rude remarks to his buddies about a young girl passing out cards for a "gentleman's club". He made these comments openly and without invitation forgetting the fact that he crossed over to the other side of the station to receive her card. Nobody said anything in response, including his buddies, but I was filled with a murderous rage so intense that I actually imagined his body hanging off a meat hook like a pig I once saw in a slaughter house (his legs reminded me of giant hams). I tried to pass him but he was so big and dumb and oblivious that everytime I made a step to get ahead he blocked my way with his meaty swagger. I decided to stop walking altogether and I waited until he had passed beyond my sight before I continued.
I am always looking for signs and omens but often fail to see them until it's too late-being a primitive human and not nurturing my connection to the divine as I should.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)