my man

I feel like I am constantly complaining about my man and his shortcomings on this blog. So I want to clarify a few things. He is not a bad man, in fact he is a very good man. He cares deeply about the world and cannot stand injustice or suffering. He has a very sensitive soul and is very sentimental, the man who cried when our bunny (whom he hated) died. His faith in God is unwavering. He is extremely funny and smart. He is handsome. He is a very loving, fun and sweet daddy who just melts at the mere sight of his little girl. He can be (and often is) very generous and tender. He is faithful and honest.

So why do I complain? Because in spite of his perfection, he is frustrated and depressed. He is seldom able to be proactive with these feelings and as a result he is angry, anger that is often directed at me. I am afraid that he will never be able to rise above his shortcomings to create the joy and satisfaction that he craves from life and that I will always be the one to blame. I am afraid of his bitterness, and of my own. I want him to soar but am afraid he cannot. My faith is just not that strong anymore.

I heard not too long ago that the thing men want most from their wives is to be adored-just as I am sure what women want from their men. It all stems it seems from this need to be adored by at least one person. I do adore him, but I also despise him-A feeling I am sure is echoed by anyone who has spent more than a few years with someone.

wanted: a plan

I need a plan. A decorating plan. A job plan. A dental plan. A plan for dealing with my extremely sensitive little one who, although brilliant, apparently bursts into tears every time loud noises are made at school among other things. A plan for surviving the holidays quasi-sober. A plan for my eldest, who cannot seem to organize herself at even a basic level and may risk losing her placement at school because of it. A plan for creating a joyful home. A decorating plan-oh I said that already. An exercise plan so I can lose this 15lbs I don't want. A man plan becasue the one I have isn't working that well because I feel as though we are so on autopilot that I don't even know what is real. A plan for buying wither a new house or another car so I can get a job that I can actually get to.
oh and we are going to see a psychic tonight. scary.

conundrum

Sometimes when it is quiet-usually in the wee hours, you find yourself thinking about just how far you have travelled away from "who you were going to be". I think about the day when I am financially independant (from R) and can therefore, buy my own place where I can live in peace. I never thought I wouldn't be and I realize I bought into all of the wrong ideas about happiness, the fucking fairy tales. It has been difficult for me to admit just how much I hate living with him and I always thought it was because of the mess. But I have recently begun to admit to myself that it's actually because most of the time, I simpy don't like him. It is interesting this push-pull. I want him to love me, to be kind and sweet to me, to smile and feel good around me, to show me that he does love me. I want to feel the same way towards him. Yet, because he is often rude, crass, moody, uncommunicative and sullen I find that I can't stand to be around him and sometimes even pretend I am alone when we are together. I guess it is possible to love someone and not like them. I want him to feel joyful and confident and I want him to feel energetic and loved. For himself, but also importantly, so that he can be someone I can like, so I can be happier with him. But it is really hard to care about someone when they act like a complete asshole. How do you tell someone that they are a lot more like their crazy sister than they ought to be...

how to get him to enjoy Christmas shopping 101

Dragged the wee sick one and R out yesterday evening for a couple of hours of pre-Christmas extravaganza at a fabulous shop for people with way too much money and time on their hands called Terra greenhouses-it really is a fabulous place. They were having their Christmas shopping party and by giving the tiniest discount and the promise of free food, succeeded in convincing all of their "best" customers to part with their hard earned cash in the thousands. Now it may be too early for all of this consumer madness but I have to say, I was sucked in. The multitude of designer Christmas trees, larger than life outdoor urn compositions (some for over a thousand bucks), the smell of fresh green cedar and eucalyptus, a lovely trio featuring a very elegant older woman with the voice of a young Rosemary Clooney, the hot cider, the free photos and of course, the free food. I am somewhat shameless in my pursuit of free food and I have discovered that it is the secret to getting R to enjoy an event which may result in him opening up his wallet. One has to suss out the area from which the free food is emerging and make friends with the servers. If one has a particular desire for seconds all one has to do is merely ask the server to brig more. I kept R well in the sushi and the wee one well in the cookies enough to do some seriously useless shopping. Now I am all ready for House and Garden magazine to come and photograph my home just in time for the holidays.

oh is it ever beautiful outside. The tree outside in the front is not green but coating with white sugary snow and i's red berries decorating the scene. It is so pretty. I will try to post a photo-but i am so usless at that.
reading Justmekids's blog got me thinking about being extra sensitive to stimulation-for me it is the noise and visual stimulation that I cannot stand. I cannot bear to be in crowded places, esp a mall or sea of people. I cannot stand bright lights and noises that come from different sources or even music sometimes-it gets to be too much noise. Since we moved to the burbs I am so much calmer in my head-it is so peaceful and quiet here and just going back to the city makes me tense despite the fact that I always have a good time. I adore the quiet or the sounds of birds-which are too much sometimes as well. I need to have low lighting in the evening and I cannot stand a light source from another room or location coming into my space. Open doors drive me insane-I need everything to be orderly and clean and calm looking-which is why I am often going around my house and my life pissed off at R because he is someone who lives in chaos (whether he likes it or not). He does not care about mess or noise or disorder or too many people around him. He really wants to move back to the city. He doesn't really seem to get just how stressful I find a chaotic environment to be becasue it doesn't bother him. I am wondering if this is a woman thing-the being over-sensitive to certain stimuli? To other people's moods?

the body

stuck at home with a sick kid. i have been using the television to keep the voices in my head quiet so that I don't have to listen to their negative chatter-their worrisome nattering away about never amounting to anything, about wasting your life away in front of the tv, about how if i just sat down for a minute and listened to them I could see just how depressed and angry i have become about my life-it's emptiness of purpose and cash. i much prefer The View and the Mom Show despite the fact that I despise this kind of thing. In the mean time I have started yoga at home (actually it's "Yoga for Wimps" and it is pretty wimpy-but good stretching for someone decreped like me) and I have started jogging again. My muscles have been complaining very happily about being brought back into existence. I know that if I could just get on top of getting myself back in shape, lose the extra weight etc then I could succeed. I know this is the root of being a strong wise woman. It always comes back to the body with us doesn't it?

under pressure

This is what I do when I am supposed to be looking for a job. I think R might kill me if I don't find one soon. Even my big kid is starting to get embarrassed about it and keeps telling me that I should find a part time job (so I can buy her more stuff of course). With Christmas coming the pressure to spend spend spend is so much stronger and even R wants to re-decorate. It's chronic.

war dance

I am trying to write this with my kid climbing all over me, pushing the keys and grabbing the mouse-it's driving me insane. I seem to be allowed about 4 minutes on the computer when my kid is at home before she decides I am so important to her survival and entertainment. Which is why I never can get anything done.
Yesterday we saw Pachssendale and it was a pretty good love/war story that leaves you feeling glad that you just have to watch war movies and not actually live them. Becasue I am the kind of mother who likes to scare the shit out of my kids, we rented a movie called WAR DANCE which is a lovely and sad documentary about kids in Northern Uganda-survivors of the LRA rebels-some of whom were child soldiers and their preparations to participate in a National dance competition representing their school. It is not graphic but the kids do offer some pretty gruesome images of war that my eleven year old had a hard time with-although she was compelled to the tv throughout the whole thing. I wanted her to know that war is just not a thing of the past, not just a thing of Iraq and Afghanistan and not just a thing for old men to talk about. Check out this movie-especially the scene where the kids get to go to the beach. If you don't smile with love and joy for these kids then you have no soul.

the politcis of love 101

Over the weekend during one of our "discussions" about the state of our affair, R told me that he didn't feel loved by me, that all he felt from me was basically negativity and scorn, that I clearly did not like him (I did have to concede that last point...). I thought this was unfair and depressing considering that despite all of the shittiness I loved him very much, that this seemed to be the only glue we had holding us together-my love, my constant forgiveness, etc. That got me to thinking about whether he wanted me to love him, whether he felt that it was important to him that I love him and how this need refelected on the type and quality of our relationship. I don't know if I am right when I say that I think that to a certain degree a part of loving someone is wanting them to love you back. Does that dictate to a certain degree how much you "give" to the other person in your desire to be loved by them?
Of course when I asked him how important it was to him that I love him he answered that he hadn't ever really thought about it and then allowed an "I guess so"-not very reassuring. I had thought that when he told me he didn't feel loved by me it was him telling me he wished it didn't feel like that, that it hurt him not to feel loved by me. Now I realize that he was saying it to accuse me of being hypocritical, to throw my words and actions back at me. I always seem to get it wrong when it comes to what he feels and thinks.

sick

Now I've gone and got myself sick. My body is finally giving in to this constant negativity. Sore throat-most likely from crying and yelling alternatively, stuffed up, tight chest, aches. And it's the most beautiful day in the world so it's like a double fuck-u. I really really really want and need to get something good going on and I need to do it now-but first I am going to bed, I am going to sleep, I am going to read, I am going to watch the squirrels scamper around outside and the leaves trail downwards. I am going to dream about the future and concoct a do-able plan and I am going to ask the universe to arrange itself once again in my favour. Wish me luck.