Goodbye for now

I am shutting down this blog, not that anyone reads it anyway!! I do not feel as though I have the privacy to say what I really think or feel (hows that for irony) and end up causing more trouble for myself by editing out (or not) what I think is going to cause offence.
I feel as though the effort of maintaining hope against the obviousness of how unhappy my current partner is(with life in general and me specifically)is just becoming too heavy even to write about. The sadness just clouds everything and makes for shitty writing and I am tired of being a fucking cliche from the 50's, I am tired of trying so hard for nothing and I am tired of this being the only way I express those feelings. I too, need to cry uncle and just let whatever the worst is , happen.

I will write another blog when I have something useful to say about the world.

shining sun

There is war and famine, greed and environmental destruction. This week, however, what is really important is that for the first time in over 5 years, I fit into my pre-Ruby pants. They're even a bit loose. Sometimes it really is the small stupid things that matter.

bad week

It's been the kind of week where I am having a hard time expressing myself in anything other than curse words. To counter this desire I am spending my time in the bedroom soaking up the sun and dreaming of living in a sunny liitle apartment above the garage. It would be a white-washed, bleached from the sun and there would be lots of books and art and shells the kids have collected and comfy spots. A packed kitchen and a desk beneath a window that looked onto the forest .
Not that I've really thought about it.

this week

Because of the screwed up bus system in the city where I live I cannot get my daughter to the doctor's office in less than an hour and a half. It used to take twenty minutes. I need a fucking car.

My man is at home this week on "vacation" and I am finding myself constantly praying to the Gods of mercy to prevent me from stabbing him with sharp objects. I am counting to ten a lot.

I need a good day today.

feeling fuzzy

There are, as usual, so many things that I need to accomplish-some simple, some grand, I cannot find the time. I am home with the little one most of the time-entertaining her, and taking care of this home. When she is not home I am not home either-volunterring, doing errands or simply breathing. It's making me feel lazy and wasteful. It's frustrating me and paralyzing me with procrastination and lack of focus.

I spend so much of my energy managing other people and their things that there is often little time and energy left over for myself. I don't even know what I'd do with my energy-I'm so fuzzy on all the details and everything seems to need to take place in the future. I'm talking in half sentences here but it's a sign of my brain.

I am dreaming of the days when my days are my own. No one else's stuff to take care of for them, no messes to clean up, no making lists for them to ignore. I used to be productive as all hell but now it seems I am drowning in other people's to do lists.

Where the fuck did my life go??????

the money issue

Lately, swirling dramas notwithstanding, I feel as though a lot of my time is spent managing other people's inability to manage themselves. I'd make a great secretary-oops executive assistant. I have forced my way into the financial no man's land of our income and made a budget. Not a perfect one, but a working one. A perfect one would have an extra $10, 000 per month to work with. I feel resistance at every turn although I do not know why-I'd love to hand it over to my accountant. Just give me my allowance, make some investments, pay the bills and leave me alone. No that's not true. I do like using my calculator. I like knowing where it goes and how. I need to know.

When I was little I would count my money endlessly. I loved having it, I loved saving it and watching it grow. I was a careful spender even back then. As an adult my taxes were always paid on time, I always saved some every month and I always worked however many jobs I needed to have enough money left over. Now my life has turned on its head. I long for that independance and control over my money. I am happy whilst part of a couple to pool my money for the greater good but I also expect that river to flow both ways-which is does not always do. At least not without some effort.

I hope that as spring comes, there will be a growth of faith in my amazing and miraculous ability to organize the world-at least our world. An upswing of trust and goodwill and a willingness to balance out weakness with strength, like with dislike. A sort of financial/pyschic give and take.
And I hope nothing major happens...

Hopeful Hearts

Beautiful blustery snowy days make me want to stay inside and bake. With the last of my flour I am making peanut butter cookies-they'll go well with the coffee and Sarah Slean is wailing and warbling most beautifully in the background about lost love. All is white again. All is quiet and hopeful and in waiting.