more stones

I am black and blue, and not just on the inside.
I have come to the conclusion that I will never be right or justified.
I am still trying to figure out my role in all of this, my mistake, my mess and I don't know. Is it admitting defeat to say that I am too demanding when I know I am not? To say I am wrong when I know I am not? To take responsibility for something I cannot own? Just for the peace? Just to move onward? Because I know resistence is futile? Insistence is futile? If we trace it back far enough who committed the greater sin? Who had the most at stake? And who fucking cares anyway?
I am here moving through the house, picking up this and that, the questions on an endless loop in my head. I know that there are no answers, only days and nights from here until there wherever "there" is. And I do not know how to make the next move, what it should be. The stones in my heart slow me down.
I am the woman who walked into doors.

the urge to paint

Time dwindling down until R gets home from work and the mood of the house shifts-not necessarily in a bad way-definintely a louder messier way-but not a bad way. The injection of testosterone probably does me good, although for now I am relishing the last few moments of PEACE AND QUIET. I am so happy that tv exists, especially for these last few minutes when I can get the little one to become comatose enough to stop asking me questions-even if the sound of her sweet voice has to be replaced with Scooby Doo. I spent a good afternoon raking leaves, flipping through a magazine, helping the little one paint a masterpiece and don't feel a bit guilty about the idleness. I can tell it's fall because I have the urge to paint. Every one of my walls is an unattractive colour in the fall. And the holidays always bring the urge to have a perfect house. Har har.

merry ho-ho

Although it's the end of October, the trees outside my front door are still green-Elm?-they are full of ripe red clutches of berries and birds fighting over the bounty. It looks festive and I am starting to get the first pangs of the Christmas blues-wanting the holidays to be like it is in the magazines and the stress of trying to bridge the gap chasing something that probably doesn't exist. My family still insists that all of the many kids in the family should receive gifts-in spite of the fact that they are all teenagers with more material possessions than I have ever known kids to rightfully possess-but they do now like to throw in a name draw for them on top of that so that they might learn (finally) the joys of giving. R's family is already in negotiations for whether or not all or some will participate in the event, or have one at all and there are emails and phone calls and lots of opinions. It's not even Halloween!
I am not looking forward to it all I have to say. Now that R and I have fairly firmly cemented our relationship as roomates, his generally Scrooge-like attitude towards Christmas, no fucking money in our house and the near-desperate desire to just run away to Mexico for the entire month of December, I feel like a run down cheerleader.

oh I just wanted to ask the universe about a flyer posted around my town advertising a Halloween party with a "pimps and ho's" theme. WTF??? Is this me being an old 80's feminsit Dworkin ghost or is it fucked??

Fucking head lice.

dream or reality?

I had a dream last night that I had a complete nervous breakdown. It started out with me yelling at my kids, and shoving the older one around and really roughing her up and being out of control. I was trying to get them to clean up or something, but they were ignoring me and R wasn't helping. It involved me feeling ganged up on by everyone else who wouldn't see my point of view (a common theme) and ended with me crumpled on the floor babbling incoherently. I could hear myself in my dream, babbling and drooling. Like it was real. Or a warning or something-like a preview of what losing one's mind might feel like. It scared the shit out of me and I woke up. I was in the girl's bed, smushed in between them and didn't want to move for fear of disturbing them. When I did get up R was still in the kitchen and I guess it had been a busy night of bed hopping or I looked like I was stressed because he gave me a hug. I told him about my dream and it amused him in a sympathetic way-like look at my poor almost crazy wife.

good advice

Another day of mind-numbing boredom at home in the burbs with my little one who is my only entertainment and companion. All day long I listen to her monologue and answer her questions (do you remember the ride at the fair that goes up and down? who's birthday is coming up?) and all day I am dreaming of being somewhere else-somewhere where I can think my own thoughts and not pick up anyone else's shit. I swear that is the single greatest killer of relationships-having to pick up someone else's shit day in day out year after year. Advice to every woman in the world-keep your own place!

ask and ye shall receive???

I am going to tell the universe that I would REALLY like a job at the library. It's my secret dream (besides being able to sing). I love books, I love the quiet atmosphere, all of it. I have been ceaselessly sending my resume but I cannot even get an interview. I need an interview so I can find out why I am not getting an interview (besides my complete lack of qualification). SO today I am asking, please universe, arrange yourself so that I might get an interview and I will be forever grateful and kind to you.
I am very happy today because I am the proud mama of a menstruating daughter!! Man, have times have changes since I was young and when I got my period my mother acted like it was something I had planned specifically to ruin her day. We had a special dinner and I made everyone wear red and I put red bindis on our foreheads to signify that we were "in the club". She tasted some red wine and we talked about blood and the moon and how to take care of yourself whilst bleeding. She was very embarrassed and rolled her eyes a lot (but I know that secretly she enjoyed the pomp and circumstance).

a sign

On the way up to the farm for a post-thanksgiving feast I saw this sign oustide a church

Saturday-Family Games
Night - Inflatables!

That's some crazy church

my high horse

I'm feeling pretty sanctimonious today, pretty self-righteous. I love that sometimes, how sometimes I allow myself to get up on that high horse and rail away. Then I usually do what I am railing against doing anyway so it's all a bunch of hot air.
So I really don't see why I should go out of my way to spend my day with toxic scary people to whom I do not matter at all just in the name of family harmony or pretend family harmony. It's not even my family, it's his and he is clearly not mine, not the way I want him to be-he has put his hands up only this close, stay this far and I have no choice but to tolerate it, to accept the limitations of his love and the ripple down effect it has on my life, my heart so today, I really don't see why I should commit to this dysfunction especially when I could spend the day with MY near and dearest. Talk about yer run on sentence! Anyhow, like I said I'lll probably end up going because it might not be worth the guilt (how's that for being a grand scale wimp) to skip the occasion-which may turn out just f-i-n-e after all. But still, I really do love my self-righteousness today and would much rather spend the day drinking wine with my friend in the city than in paradise with her.

little things

I'm supposed to be looking for a job-but I'm not. I am enjoying the quiet and solitude of being alone in my house. It's my drug and for now, I am happy to be addicted to it.
I am tired of the complaining, the feeling stuck, the negativity.
Yesterday I put a big piece of paper on the bathroom wall with the words I AM FEELING and a lovely green sparkly marker. It is a covert way for the big girl to start learning to express herself in a safe way. So far she has written angry, dumb, naive, clueless and this morning, content. I wrote defeated, then tired. R has not written but he has asked me about certain words. I think writing the words has taken the edge of off some of the painful feelings. I think it may have been a really good idea.
Today I ate fresh local strawberries for breakfast-in October! I collected pretty leaves and put the last of the cosmos in a big vase. Tomorrow I get to visit some really wonderful friends. Life can be good when you look at it the right way sometimes.

the bleakness of not getting what I want

We are in mourning over the shitty results of the election. According to R the only people who vote Conservative are either stupid or rich. I think they're all just buffalo happily following the other buffalo over the cliff. My town has just become a conservative riding. If I ever needed a reason to leave, this would be it. My old hood has just become Liberal. I've got nowhere to go. It's bleak.

I push aside my own wants/needs in order to accomodate R.
I need and want to stop doing this.
I don't know how to do this without feeling like I am losing out on his attention or worrying about him getting angry or my life getting harder.
I am beginning to see that raising kids is not the time to talk about things. One needs an empty nest.
I've got a long wait.

tied up

and so since I am on this kick about taking care of myself I walked around yesterday feeling like my life is completely out of control. Everything is unfinished or ignored and disorganized. I am sure some pyschologist would say that I create chaos so that I can avoid dealing with and facing my fears of failure or rejection (I think one already did..) I went to a meeting at the YMCA because I am trying to get a subsidized membership and once I got there I realized that I was told that I didn't even fill out the forms properly and just going there left me filled with a sense of complete and utter failure-like I am still in high school trying to figure out what the fuck I am going to do with my life only my life is half over. What a downer! The guy that I think is going to hire me, well thought, hasn't called me and although I have emailed him twice I am afraid to call him in case he tells me he's changed his mind and thinks I am such a loser that he won't even give me a shot. Maybe he just doesn't check his email and he's waiting for me to call him. I just tie myself into knots trying to come out unscathed only to end up..well tied up in knots.