Dear God-please get me through these winter blues. Please help me to not be a totally negative and desperate housewife until spring comes. Please assist me in coming up with new and creative ways to entertain my children without having to resort to the tv all day. Please inspire me to get my ass out of the house and onto those trails just outside my back door, running and feeling strong. Please keep me from eating all those goodies I simply MUST bake. Please give me patience to not think hateful thoughts about someone just because they are not as clean and organized as I am. Please teach me compassion for all of the people who just refuse to shovel their sidewalks despite the fact that they are young and strong and able. And finally, please arrange the universe in such a way as to let someone think that hiring me is actually a pretty good idea as I am smart, capable and extremely bored.
(this post was written whilst watching the squirrels merrily enjoy a feast of seeds and nuts from one of my most squirrel-proof bird feeders...)
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
maybe it's the dead of winter
ok. breathe in. breathe out.
post snow day peace and quiet and the ever looming list of things. to. be. done.
the freedom/burden of having all this time to contemplate this life. This mess.
speaking of freedom, I wonder sometimes if it wouldn't be better to live in blissful ignorance. Never to be burdened by the questions of God and death and finding your place and using your time on this planet to do something usefull, to be more than a cog.
But then as the wise people say."with the big questions it is enough to have asked" (they say this then laugh themselves silly).
I find myself these days trying to drown out the voices nagging at me to sit down and think about these questions for fear that the process will drag my ass down into the dirt where I will not be able to pick myself up. So I dull myself out with the stimuli of music, of tv, of busy-ness.
The schools were closed here yesterday so we went tobaganning and I saw an American-well I guess it was a Canadian-Bald Eagle soar past us, flying low through the snow. It was a miracle! I called out to the kids on the hill but they didn't hear, didn't care, just a bird. I felt priveleged to see it so closely. Then I went back to my winter duties.
post snow day peace and quiet and the ever looming list of things. to. be. done.
the freedom/burden of having all this time to contemplate this life. This mess.
speaking of freedom, I wonder sometimes if it wouldn't be better to live in blissful ignorance. Never to be burdened by the questions of God and death and finding your place and using your time on this planet to do something usefull, to be more than a cog.
But then as the wise people say."with the big questions it is enough to have asked" (they say this then laugh themselves silly).
I find myself these days trying to drown out the voices nagging at me to sit down and think about these questions for fear that the process will drag my ass down into the dirt where I will not be able to pick myself up. So I dull myself out with the stimuli of music, of tv, of busy-ness.
The schools were closed here yesterday so we went tobaganning and I saw an American-well I guess it was a Canadian-Bald Eagle soar past us, flying low through the snow. It was a miracle! I called out to the kids on the hill but they didn't hear, didn't care, just a bird. I felt priveleged to see it so closely. Then I went back to my winter duties.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
just a few thoughts this morning as my hands are cold
I am really envious of people who are vacationing or living in a warm country. It's only January still.
I have a friend who is obsessed with Flight of the Conchords. I mean obsessed. I mean annoyingly so. Should I tell her it's annoying? Or am I just the kind od person who gets annoyed?
Why is it so hard to work out in January? I have fallen off the wagon...and there is so much chocolate in this house. Summer is only 5 months away.
I watched Tropic Thunder last night and laughed my ass off. It is pretty demented but hilarious. Go watch it.
Yesterday I got the "I hate you" and (the lowest) "I am going to live with my REAL mom "X"-who is actually her step-mom. I got that repeatedly over the course of the morning. Of course by the end of the day, I was "mama" again. Is this how it's going to be??? Sigh.
I have a friend who is obsessed with Flight of the Conchords. I mean obsessed. I mean annoyingly so. Should I tell her it's annoying? Or am I just the kind od person who gets annoyed?
Why is it so hard to work out in January? I have fallen off the wagon...and there is so much chocolate in this house. Summer is only 5 months away.
I watched Tropic Thunder last night and laughed my ass off. It is pretty demented but hilarious. Go watch it.
Yesterday I got the "I hate you" and (the lowest) "I am going to live with my REAL mom "X"-who is actually her step-mom. I got that repeatedly over the course of the morning. Of course by the end of the day, I was "mama" again. Is this how it's going to be??? Sigh.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
downer
weariness. tired. loneliness.
breathing in. breathing out.
making an effort not to cloud my mind with the paint, the furniture, the laundry.
should I say how on my daughters birthday I took her to the city for the day and how sweet it felt to just hang out? or that when she got her haircut and highlights it scared me that she looked 16 or 17 and it kind of took my breath away how beautiful she looked.
or should I say that I went out for happy hour with R, got slightly drunk and told him that we needed to get married because i need to protect my older one if I should die (custody thing)? I said it would be strictly business, hush-hush at City Hall and no one would have to know. Should I say that he pretended not to hear me?
should I say that not having a job is making me feel like the most completely fucking useless person in the universe? Should I say that the closer it gets to summer the more confused I get about having a job and the reality of daycare/daycamps vs. freedom for the kids (and lets face it, me)? Should I say how it feels to not even get an interview for a job that I know I am over-qualified for and having to constantly ask for money and then hand in my receipts?
maybe it's winter. maybe it's the gray skies all the time. maybe it's PMS but I definitely need a perk-me up.
breathing in. breathing out.
making an effort not to cloud my mind with the paint, the furniture, the laundry.
should I say how on my daughters birthday I took her to the city for the day and how sweet it felt to just hang out? or that when she got her haircut and highlights it scared me that she looked 16 or 17 and it kind of took my breath away how beautiful she looked.
or should I say that I went out for happy hour with R, got slightly drunk and told him that we needed to get married because i need to protect my older one if I should die (custody thing)? I said it would be strictly business, hush-hush at City Hall and no one would have to know. Should I say that he pretended not to hear me?
should I say that not having a job is making me feel like the most completely fucking useless person in the universe? Should I say that the closer it gets to summer the more confused I get about having a job and the reality of daycare/daycamps vs. freedom for the kids (and lets face it, me)? Should I say how it feels to not even get an interview for a job that I know I am over-qualified for and having to constantly ask for money and then hand in my receipts?
maybe it's winter. maybe it's the gray skies all the time. maybe it's PMS but I definitely need a perk-me up.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
little shit disturbers in suburbia
As I was out for my wintery jog the other day (the first one since the Christmas sickness extravaganza I have to admit) it was with great pride and joy that I noticed that all of the temporary barriers and fencing blocking off access to the woods and the green belt and the paths behind my house have been either moved aside or completely knocked flat. It was with great pride and joy that I was able to witness that rebellious suburban energy, that covert shit disturbing.
One simply does not mess with the route people around here use to walk their dogs or jog or birdwatch. And that's who it is-people walking their dogs through the snowy woods, people trying to catch a glimpse of some bird on their migratory stops, or me- the crazy person jogging at -20* weather over snowy paths.
The Town is in the process of trying to create a hugely wide asphalt path through our little paradise and low and behold, the SUV'ers and the snow blower's have declared that their little paradise is not for public consumption, is a very sensitive ecological area (see: migratory paths above) and therefore should be returned to the cow path that it was. Loudly so. The Town has closed the paths until spring "for the safety of the public" and the people, in knocking down the barreirs have shown their outright disregard for the Town's intentions and interests. Oh my God, I love it so much!! Now it's not world peace, it's not throwing down your leaf blower and picking up a rake, it's not even voting socialist-but it is something and for that I am deeply grateful and proud of my shit kicking suburban neighbours.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
so far this year
OK so I went ahead and made a New Year's resolution which was basically to take better care of myself on many levels. It meant not getting all wound up in my partner's shit or his shittiness. it meant eating well and using my body well. it meant getting a job and earning some money and creating some power for myself financially. It meant taking some time and energy for myself socially and spiritually. Why????
energy, peace, longevity, joy, pride and love. I am trying to learn how to love myself a little bit better. I don't know whether anybody shows you this, maybe you just have to figure it out, watch others and pay attention to yourself. I am trying to be patient with myself and be hopeful about certain outcomes.
energy, peace, longevity, joy, pride and love. I am trying to learn how to love myself a little bit better. I don't know whether anybody shows you this, maybe you just have to figure it out, watch others and pay attention to yourself. I am trying to be patient with myself and be hopeful about certain outcomes.
Monday, January 12, 2009
good weekend
oooohhhh what a nice weekend....napping, friends, good food all around, Mediterranean gardens (indoors), sex, wine, chocolate, exercise. Did I mention the napping?? Why can't they all be like that???
Friday, January 9, 2009
slipping away
These days I am feeling angry and depressed at the thought of my now-big-little-girl slipping away into the preference of her father's house. I am a pretty hard-ass parent and insist on "the rules" and often leave little room for negotiation-not always though. Her father has created a relationship whereby he is her sugar daddy who thinks nothing of paying $200 for a jacket for her, $100 for innappropraite winter footwear, etc all the while complaining that "your mother should be buying you these things" thus invoking the idea that I am the worse parent, the one who does not meet my requirements. He is a sneaky bastard and often complains to her that I am a liar, someone who is constantly interferring with his household. Yet, she prefers his household-the abundance of video game technology, the lax attitude towards homework, getting outside to play, housework and general particiaption in the world. At his place she is insulated from the world and her place in it.
I envy mothers who can maintain close relationships with their girls as they grow. I am becoming the one who wants to please her, the roles are reversing-is this what happens? I find myself feeling anxious to connect with her, planning these outings and conversations and positive interactions-but the reality is that she is often grouchy and argumentative thus making anything positive nearly impossible to achieve. I feel out on a limb with this although I know I am not.
I envy mothers who can maintain close relationships with their girls as they grow. I am becoming the one who wants to please her, the roles are reversing-is this what happens? I find myself feeling anxious to connect with her, planning these outings and conversations and positive interactions-but the reality is that she is often grouchy and argumentative thus making anything positive nearly impossible to achieve. I feel out on a limb with this although I know I am not.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
gratitude
snow wonderful snow.
coffee and the ability to be a bit lazy.
the size 4 jeans I bought yesterday (!!)
the new job I am going to get.
my kitties-one of whom is desperately trying to get back into the house from the snow.
feeling hopeful.
looking forward to seeing friends.
good health returning to us all.
coffee and the ability to be a bit lazy.
the size 4 jeans I bought yesterday (!!)
the new job I am going to get.
my kitties-one of whom is desperately trying to get back into the house from the snow.
feeling hopeful.
looking forward to seeing friends.
good health returning to us all.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
wasting time
Blessed school! Blessed peace and quiet in my house! Blessed internet!
I have been doing my very best to avoid as many of my "responsibilities" on the home and job front as I can-and I have to say I am feeling very successful. I wasted half a day at IKEA and am planning to waste to the other half having coffee with R. But my bliss won't last, I know that this week sometime I must get a job and I must vacum up all the little pine needles that have strayed throughout the house and I must organize a TWILIght themed birthday party for the almost teenager.
Sometimes I just really love the small things.
I have been doing my very best to avoid as many of my "responsibilities" on the home and job front as I can-and I have to say I am feeling very successful. I wasted half a day at IKEA and am planning to waste to the other half having coffee with R. But my bliss won't last, I know that this week sometime I must get a job and I must vacum up all the little pine needles that have strayed throughout the house and I must organize a TWILIght themed birthday party for the almost teenager.
Sometimes I just really love the small things.
Monday, January 5, 2009
this year I will try to live
and try not to despair
and try to remember those childhood dreams
and try to figure something out
and try to be creative
and try to be positive
and try to continue to take better care of myself
and try to laugh a lot more
and try to decide what is meaningful
and try to be mindful
and try to figure out what it menas to soar
and try not to be so depressed about love
and try not to be so depressed about money
and try not to be so depressed about my body
and try not to be so lonely
and try to remember those childhood dreams
and try to figure something out
and try to be creative
and try to be positive
and try to continue to take better care of myself
and try to laugh a lot more
and try to decide what is meaningful
and try to be mindful
and try to figure out what it menas to soar
and try not to be so depressed about love
and try not to be so depressed about money
and try not to be so depressed about my body
and try not to be so lonely
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