A Brave New World

My big girl now is the proud owner of a cell phone. It is probably not a big deal in the grand scheme of her life and many of her friends are seasoned pros-one even bought her own laptop that she covorts with in the privacy of her room. So why does it make me fearful? Is it just another reminder of the ticking clock on her childhood? Is it that I feel she is now exposed to certain unforseen (and forseen/imagined) dangers? Or is it simply that she is now one more step away from the warmth of my arms and out into a Brave New World of independant living?
When I was her age I got my first job-giving out samples of fudge at the flea market on Sundays. I got myself around town by bus and took myself to whatever educational and social events that my parents were unwilling to participate in. I was insecure about being on my own, but travelled solo anyway. I was a bit of a lone wolf-one could be in those days when leaving the house meant being incummunicado unitl the nearest payphone was located.
It is an understatement to say that life is so different now-and man how old does even thinming way make me feel?? But she is such a butterfly in so many ways-social, physical, emotional (by that I mean the type of insect that looks delicate but flies 3000 miles twice a year to get to the holy ground, fierce). She is a product of her times but she is also an agent of them and is not completely subject to its pressures. She stills giggles and runs around the house telling fart jokes. She wants to be cuddled at night and hates sleeping alone-even if it means sharing the bed with the little one. She eats canned tomato soup and dances on her bed using a hairbrush as a microphone. She's still little a bit, I still have a bit of time with her.

what's up

oh my God, what a bizarro weekend. It was like being stuck in a Dali painting. It was like longing for your body to ease into deep sleep but being jolted by the sounds of an oncoming train-no rest.
Luckily, I have discovered the moments of joy and love and friendship that I have experienced really do sustain you through the craziness.
This is supposed to be a really amazing year for us Virgos but I am wondering what's up.

My new goal in life

Muddling through it all I find that some moments are great, some ok, some terrible. Is this what it's all about? Just trying to get the right combination of moments? It's time for me to get a plan together-a life plan, a year plan, a bloody week plan! R and I had a conversation the other day during which I asked him to pay attention to his negative thougths and try to switch them to positive ones-just to see what would happen, just to keep track of how many negative thoughts and attitudes came into his head in the course of a day. I have started to do it myself and I am astounded by how much negativity there is swimming around this head and life of mine. All lot of judgements, a lot of fear and worry, a lot of complaining. I am also astounded by how hard it is to switch to a more positive sound track for more than a second or 2, how hard it is to pay attention to this. It's going to take a lot of work but I am determined to switch that innner voice. That's my goal this year-to turn off the negative talk-the judgements, the criticisms, the fear and doubts about everything and to try to find a more loving voice inside myself.

dreams

I have nothing to say...how pathetic is that? I am living vicariously through my dreams, some sweet some bitter.

The other night I dreamt I was married to David Beckham and we were on flight to Madrid, we were moving there. Sitting next to each other I had my hand under his waistband on his very firm lovely groin and he had his hand on mine-not so firm yet lovely in my dream. We were cuddling. When I woke up I lay still and enjoyed the feelings of warmth and love that the dream created for me.

Last night I dreamt that I had taken R on a trip to England on a Beatles odyssey-an alternative that was taking us through John Lennon's childhood (?). We were oustide in a field and were being shown some re-entactment of his childhood brilliance in which I was engrossed. When I moved off to the side to stand with him he asked me if I wanted to go back to the hotel to invite "Nargis" out to a drink with us because she just saw her "lovely form in green walking across the field" from a distance. This was supposed to be a romantic get away for us and yet here he was enjoying the beauty of some aquaintance of ours while ignoring me completely. I was pissed and told him so and he responded by getting mad at me for my jealousy and stormed off to read in his hotel room, leaving me to feel rejected on 2 levels.
I woke up after that and was very upset for a long time. It felt true although I knew it was just a dream and I had to lay still in bed for a long time going over it and letting it penetrate that it was a figment of my own imagination (although maybe not entirely a FIGMENT-you know?) I decided to alter the ending of my dream in this way: I go back to the hotel and check out-while he's gone I pack my bags and move to my new hotel in a different part of town and spend the remainder of my vacation reading, walking and drinking wine in the English countryside. He goes off with his vision of lovliness and they live happily ever after.
I guess I've always felt that I am in the way of him finding true love. I've never felt him looking that way at me, or even noticing me across the crowd, or sometimes even not across the crowd. I guess I felt invisible every time we were together and was always on the alert for his attention. To think all this time I couldv'e been on a plane with David Beckham...

so far this year,

I officially have a 12 year old who is adding 3 years to her birthdate on facebook and is, apparently, interested in "men". Her father apparently doesn't mind.
I am trying to go off wine for a month. It is easier to go off wine than it is to go off chocolate and sugar and dairy-which I also want to do.
We put the Christmas tree in the backyard and decorated it with peanut butter covered pinecones, bird seed lollipops and popcorn strings.
No marriage proposal yet-don't worry I get the hint and know it ain't never gonna happen. Still, it would've been nice to have been asked.
So far 2010 feels like a mountain of paperwork. I think I need to ease into the New Year-like maybe by the end of January I will feel like it's time to begin again.
I have the hands of an old woman.
I am jealous of anyone who can afford to take a vacation to a warm place.
Finally, some snow. Regretably, shovelling it has been my only exercise.
Ever since seeing It's Complicated, I have been craving roast chicken. that and living in Santa Barbara.