the trip

My eldest is up in the air-literally flying in a plane with big silver wings over the Andes-and I have that weighted feeling that mothers get when their children are too far from arms reach to keep them safe. So I am walking around the house trying to get settled into an activity but my eyes keep going to the clock, to the computer, to the phone. I need to know that her feet are on the ground.
It is summer where she is going. It is hot and the air is dry, the breezes warm. It will hit her when she steps out of the airport into the brightness of day and the parking lot. It is so cold here her body will have momentarily forgotten what summer feels like and then after a few minutes it will remember and heave that sigh of relief for the sun. She will come home brown and chapped and speaking with a slight accent. The purple streaks in her hair will have faded to blonde. She will be that much closer to being a grown up kid with adventures and experiences of her own that I will never know about, only guess at and I will get snippets of this life in bits and pieces over then next few years.
16 more days until she returns.

at long last

How many different times and ways do you need to tell someone to fuck off before they actually do it? I must be a slow learner because it's taken me over 8 years but i think I finally got the message. I know that I have to be the agent of change in my life and in the lives of my children. I know I have to teach them better what love is and what love isn't. It may sound politically incorrect but I want to teach them that there are actually more important things in life than the pursuit of love; things like strength and grace under pressure, things like financial independance and the pursuit of peace. Love is just the icing.
I have been foolishly in the pursuit of love my whole life-often fruitlessly. I say foolishly because I didn't know that love was not an either/or proposition. I didn't know that you could love someone and still pursue your own goals. I thought love was the only goal worthy. And now because of that pursuit I am screwed. I have wonderful children but no money, career or options. I have strength and tons of love and compassion to spare but on a man whose heart is cold towards me. I have a home that does not belong to me and the fear of living on the street.

But uncertainty is better than this and so I am ending this year with optimism for a good life. I am ending the year feeling so blessed by all the wonderful and loving friends I have managed to gather. I am feeling so lucky that my kids are so happy and smart and beautiful. I am proud to be strong and healthy and to live my life with an open heart. I have managed to find love-I was just looking for it in the wrong place.
Merry Christmas.

Christmas Blues

I am trying to get into the spirit of Christmas. I really want to feel that joy and anticipation of what's to come. I water the tree and wrap gifts and listen to music and it feels like one big do-to list. I've simplified and organized my life so I am not stressed out about shopping and getting it all done but it feels hollow. I do not think I am doing a good job of making the holiday as magical as it was for me when I was a kid. My dad loved loved loved Christmas. Buying gifts and getting everything done was his way of showing his love and he did everything BIG-especially Christmas. I am sure my mother just thought it was one big chore-all that cooking and cleaning and wound up bratty children. His enthusiasm was infectuous. I am trying to muster the same enthusiasm and spirit, but not today. Today I am a bit depressed. I feel like I am in a boat all alone sailing somewhere I don't want to go but i cannot change my course.
I need some snow. I need a miseltoe and someone to kiss me underneath it. I need gingerbread.
I need Santa and his bag of miracles.

Birthday day

Today my little one is five. She woke up early and we sang to her and she blew out a candle on a cupcake and played with her balloons and stayed in her pajamas.
Five years go by so fast. It really is a true cliche. You really do enjoy every new milestone and every new step but I find I am really gonna mourn the loss of all the cuddles and squishes. I guess when they're little you don't realize that those cuddles and kisses will end, but since the other one is (almost) a teenager, I do know that eventually she too will be all elbows and knees and ipods and MSN and she won't be able to squeeze onto my lap anymore or lace her fingers behind my neck. Most of my human touch comes from her-all the belly rubs and bum squeezes and snuggles and kisses and cuddles on the couch. All the middle of the night heat seeking missile cuddles that leave me hanging off one side of the bed. The running off the bus into my arms and the scrapes that only my kiss will fix.
I am happy she has achieved last years main goal which is to be 5 and know that she will instinctively turn her attention towards the new goal of her number six birthday. Today I am going to enjoy her small size, her soft squishy-ess, her sweet curls and her little girl accented talk.
Happy Birthday Little Wubby!

Running woman

When I am running I am strong.
I am not afraid to leave. I can imagine my better life. My love being enjoyed. I know that there is a better life, a better way to live it and love it. I am a good strong mother when I am running. When I am running I tell you to your face. I do not hurt when I am running and I do not cry.

When I am running I am angry.
I curse you and yell. I tell you exactly how much damage you have done. All the labels and names you've thrown at me, bitch, cunt, crazy, fucked up, fuck off, shut up, nurse Ratchett, over-bearing, too demanding, shrill, I smash through them because it pisses me off to be treated like that by someone like you. When I am running I imagine you eating those words on the ground where you belong. I stomp on you like dirty fallen leaves. I am angry with myself for loving you, for wanting you to love me-you who cannot even see how fucking awesome I am because you are weak and stupid.

When I am running I am wise.
I see my own strength and wisdom and love in action in my girls lives, and yes, even in yours and I feel compassion for our weakness. When I run I feel the earth moving underneath my feet carrying me along the river's path, the birds my brothers keeping call. I know the anger and the love and the hope and the despair are keeping me whole and that I do not want a half-lived life.

The running is my vehicle to strength and anger and wisdom. It carries me into the rest of my days and nights. My edges are better defined. And you may not know it but it's okay because I am beginning to know it and you are mattering less and less.

beautiful, graceful, wise, loving, tender, affectionate, funny, warm, smart, strong, capable, caring,

Trees

I've got the sniffles and a thick head so I've taken to my bed where I am watching the trees shivering in the cold. I am afraid that the wind is going to find a weak spot in my big tree and bring her down on top of me-a fitting end I am somehow imagining. I am always amazed at how solid and heavy trees are yet how flexible and lightly they move about in the wind. When I go out to re-fill the bird feeders I can hear their bark creaking and the branches tapping against one another. There are no birds today, they've probably blown away the wind is so bitter and strong. The sun on my bed is deceptively warm-the cats are in heaven here and I've made myself a mug of hot tea. Back to bed.

resolute and wistful

First snow of the season!!! It's interesting that everyone I've talked to today is happy about it, like finally some weather! I'm in a bit of a wistful mood, not quite ready to look forward, feeling the past tugging at me, making me feel like I'm going to miss somethings when they're gone. The things we do will become the things we used to do, I can feel the future shifting already from the things we were going to do to the things we will not do again. Simple things like routines and coffee and complicated things like gifts and shopping and holidays. All of a sudden the future feels fuzzy where there used to be at least some clarity.
Already I am feeling calmer, clearer within. Like everything has settled inside me and the butterflies have left me. I don't cry anymore. I used to cry all the time, but for some strange reason I do not feel like crying except at the appropriate sad commercials on tv. Maybe I am numb, maybe I don't feel anything, I don't know. I've been feeling pride, joy, love, anger, loneliness, judgement, regret, resentment, sad, tired, fear, confusion=all the normal things that one feels in the course of a day or two, so it can't be that I am numb. No, just resolute and wistful. (can we feel both at the same time??)

regular stuff

Monday is turning out to be my favourite day of the week. All of the business of the weekend has passed and the house is relatively calm and quiet-my two favourite things. My little one is mellow, I usually have coffee with a friend and we take our day very easily. Yesterday was an insane day-playdates, pick ups, IKEA (on a Sunday before Christmas...), the Christmas tree, baking, meals, sewing, clean ups of a varied assortment, watching my friend's kids in the evening so she could go out with her hubby, managing R's bad mood-every year when there is a Christmas activity he gets all tired and cranky-hilarious. He thinks he's MR.Christmas but he's not-a half hour watching soccer and he was as good as new! My big girl had a cool milestone-her first time on the GO train by herself to a friend's sleepover and back. I was actually so excited to meet her at the train, my this-much-closer-to-being-grown-up-girl. Watching them get independant and capable is such a great feeling-it compensates for them not being so little and cute anymore. Pre teens are so spazzy that it's not often I get to feel Mother-Pride, so I'm riding it. This is all such mundane stuff but it does take up so much space in our lives-you just hope to grab snippets of intimacy and openess throughout the day as they come towards you in the midst of it all-the pride, the love, the sense of belonging, the caretaking, the jokes, the cuddles at the end of the day.

invoking Wonder Woman

There is so much shit hitting the fan around me that I find myself walking around feeling as though I need to wear a protective amulet to ward off the evil lurking around me. Create a bubble of protection and invite my people into it. I have been going to bed at night making an effort to fall asleep in positivity, repeating E's mantra that my life is a blessing, that my relationships are a blessing, and that I am going forth in love and joy and warmth. It's much harder to do during the day when you you start off by walking into the kitchen to hear your partner cursing in a most horrible way because he can't get his stupid watch done up. It's kind of soul-crushing to meet with that kind of anger/frustration first thing before you are even fully awake. I wish I knew how to construct a force field to protect me from that energy-even just being around it makes my shoulders droop. I look to my kids and their natural joy to lift me back up but I know I must create this for myself-not a Zen detachment but an inner strength and calm that makes shit literally bounce off me. How to do this? Maybe I need to create an image of Wonder Woman with her bracelets and her arms flying like crazy to reflect the bullets. When she's done she smooths her hair and carries on with the business of saving the world.