Italian women

I read sometime ago in the news how the soon to be ex-wife of the Italian Prime Minister, in response to his repeated public affairs and general drama, has started a trend of Italian women walking around wearing t-shirts that say "I am not a woman who is at your disposal". I instantly fell in love with her.
Imagine being able to live your life self-contained and at your own disposal-not making yourself available to a man unless at your own convenience and pleasure. It sounds like such a lovely liberated way to live. I think she may be on to something.
(This being said while I plan to cook dinner for my man's parents while he enjoys away the day watching soccer at a pub with his buddies. My man who doesn't want to marry me because he's not sure about whether he will be satisfied with me over the lonmg term). I need to get my ass tp freakin Italy.

the stress already

I've got a bee in my bonnet. One of my siblings is constantly trying to control everything-for those with siblings, yes it is the eldest, what is up with that-to the point where she will send out a million emails outling the rules around gift giving; how much to spend, whom to buy for, what age is the cut -off for gifts (we have plenty of teenagers in the family and apparently they are to be excluded from Christmas). It goes on and on. She wants to know and/or establish rules for gift giving at birthdays. I sent her a very polite message suggesting that she should do what she wants to do, what she feels is right and everyone else will do the same-as is their right. I just know that there's going to be a shit storm over it. Usually I just stay out of it and do what I want to do anyway but honestly, birthdays? Get a fucking hobby or some therapy-that will be my gift to you, therapy.
So now I am wondering why do I let her get to me? Is it just my natural resistance to being controlled or is it something deeper? I do not mind faimilies coming together to set reasonable limits over the insanity of Christmas gift-giving. I also wonder if it's because I do not have alot of money to buy many gifts for people-especially people with whom I am not particulalry close or attached to. But then again I think if I did have tons of cash I would just go ahead and do what I wanted to do anyway. It just pisses me off that someone else thiks they have the right to dictate my values to me. And that's what it is. I can't stand allowing the holidays to become some sort of soul sucking set of negotiations over who gets what in the name of "fairness".

What to do next?

So, I didn't get the stupid part time job that I was hoping to get, thus affirming my suspicion that I am a total loser who can't even get a stupid job, nevermind a cool one. I would've been the best candidate-and we're talking a retail job over the holidays which involves stocking shelves and scanning bottles of booze at the cash register while making small talk and smiling. I'm so pissed off that I don't know whether to be sad or pissed off! So I guess it's back to the drawing board and trying to come up with another idea for cash. I will go back to my business idea and put some more enrgy into figuring that out and my business plan.
I honestly don't know what it is-is this my karma?, is the universe arraning itself so that the only thing I can do is go for my ultimate goal with no wavering or diversion?, is it payback? I need a sign!!!!

in between

Those days in between the big heavy talks and the action that must inevitably take place are strange and dreamy. The sweet slightly mournful music I choose fills the house, I stay busy or I stay inert, listening. I feel slightly liberated and strong, bracing myself for any bad news yet hopeful for love to come waltzing through that door once again. The day is always cloudy for some reason-or maybe we only notice the clouds when an emotional storm has come.
I've shaken off the emotional hangover as R calls it from yesterday (preceded by an actual hangover, always a bad combo). I had such a lovely feeling in the afternoon waking up from a blissful post-coital sleep to a room full of sunshine and bright warmth. I wish I could stay in that dreaminess.

other couples

This is my thought today: I have a lot of people in my life who think I am pretty fantastic, unfortunately my partner does not appear to be one of them. I don't know if that is true, it may not be, but it feels true. I see all the happy couples around and about-it's like seeing only pregnant women when you want to have a baby-and I find myself feeling jealous at their happiness. Seething, yearning jealousy. The older couple on the bus who may or may not have been high, couldn't keep their mouths off each other. The trendy beautiful couple in black coming out of their Audi SUV and walking arm in arm into the Starbucks, smiling and talking and leaning into each other. My friend's hubby all giddy at their upcoming anniversary. The hugs and kisses and squeezes. There are smiles and looks between people who dig each other that never seem to pass between my man and me. I feel desperate for those smiles and nice quiet words together.

So what do I do about it? Nothing. I hide a lot. I go to bed early and quietly. I read my books and take care of dinner and try to appear indifferent. I pretend Colin Farrel is my boyfriend and he can't get enough of me. I hold the girl's hands when we're walking. In the car I pretend I'm alone with my driver and I don't feel the need to make conversation with an employee. I take care of myself and pay attention to the welcome signals when they come so I don't miss them. In short; pathetic. I've tried to change it, but I can't seem to get those looks, that soft smile. No one is to blame, it's just the way life is right now. I don't know if it will change or improve or end. I don't know when or how or why. In the mean time I work on being fantastic in my own eyes.

leaping

I have been wanting to start my own business but I am filled with doubts and excuses-mostly for time and money. I am also scared to fail-typical of me, so I am stalling. I have a dream for myself in which I am fearless, but I also know that I should be realistic and factor this fear into my approach. I need a lot of security and do not take easily to risks. This is a big risk with what I hope is going to be big rewards but I just can't seem to focus. Part of me thinks 'fuck it' and just start-take that leap of the cliff. Part of me thinks I should spend the next year really do research-testing recipes, getting to know my market, raising funds, getting a website and some marketing, etc. I do not want to start something that is the beginning of my ultimate dream only to have it fail-at this point in my life I need a success very badly. I am worried about what another failure will do so my guts is telling me to be prepared-or is it my fear just stalling? I do not trust my instincts, or rather I do not recognize them.
The past few months I have been focusing on my vision for the future-my ideal career, my vocation, my relationships and my health. I can see it (somewhat) clearly exactly what I want to be doing, how I want to be living and I have been focusing on getting comfortable with the notion of being able to achieve it-your basic power of positive thinking stuff. But the time for action is drawing closer. I know it because I'm scared.

ramblings of a rejected mother

Why can't I get myself to write? Why can't I get myself to have anything to say. In my head I am talking almost nonstop to myself, to the other. It's Saturday night and I guess I wish I had someone to talk to, I'm in an awful way. Not really awful; just melancholy. The house is so so quiet-I love it when it's like this, it feeds my sadness. Once again I am not connecting to my almost teen-she is very angry with me because I called her out on bad behaviour. I didn't side with her. I get where she is coming from but I do need to support the other adult in the house on her being rude. Rudeness is one thing I absolutley cannot tolerate in my home. And just over simple things, "why did you do that with asking" kinds of things that with her these days lead to "whatever" rolling of the eyes and worse. Makes my blood boil. I would have been killed by my parents if I talked to them that way! I am thinking that I am a total cliche now-saying those things, feeling these things-like I can't get my teen to like me-how far we fall for our children to like and value and respect us.
That what it is-I really don't think she respects me. Maybe she thinks R walks all over me, maybe she doesn't trust him, maybe she thinks I should have a job, a career. Maybe she thinks I should be more interested in television and technology. Maybe she's jealous of the little one because she's still so goddamn adorable. Maybe she hates this family-its chaos and loudness and smallness. Maybe she thinks I am angry and depressed and that I hate my life and she wants nothing to do with my life. Maybe she's right.

the day after

Is there some reasonable way to deal with all of the candy?? My children have an obscene amount of candy, including several large cans of coke and pepsi. If ever there was a metaphor for the excess of the suburbs, it's Hallowe'en. Seriously. There is no way to eat this much candy and live. I wonder if there is someone who needs it more than we do. To make matters more gluttonous, my tenant spent the evening on Saturday baking with a ladyfriend and insisted on sending up the booty. Like I need more double chocolate cookies and squares. Maybe this is a test of my (non-existent) willpower. I am going to have to run from here to eternity to get those cookies off my ass.