conundrum

Sometimes when it is quiet-usually in the wee hours, you find yourself thinking about just how far you have travelled away from "who you were going to be". I think about the day when I am financially independant (from R) and can therefore, buy my own place where I can live in peace. I never thought I wouldn't be and I realize I bought into all of the wrong ideas about happiness, the fucking fairy tales. It has been difficult for me to admit just how much I hate living with him and I always thought it was because of the mess. But I have recently begun to admit to myself that it's actually because most of the time, I simpy don't like him. It is interesting this push-pull. I want him to love me, to be kind and sweet to me, to smile and feel good around me, to show me that he does love me. I want to feel the same way towards him. Yet, because he is often rude, crass, moody, uncommunicative and sullen I find that I can't stand to be around him and sometimes even pretend I am alone when we are together. I guess it is possible to love someone and not like them. I want him to feel joyful and confident and I want him to feel energetic and loved. For himself, but also importantly, so that he can be someone I can like, so I can be happier with him. But it is really hard to care about someone when they act like a complete asshole. How do you tell someone that they are a lot more like their crazy sister than they ought to be...