Over the weekend during one of our "discussions" about the state of our affair, R told me that he didn't feel loved by me, that all he felt from me was basically negativity and scorn, that I clearly did not like him (I did have to concede that last point...). I thought this was unfair and depressing considering that despite all of the shittiness I loved him very much, that this seemed to be the only glue we had holding us together-my love, my constant forgiveness, etc. That got me to thinking about whether he wanted me to love him, whether he felt that it was important to him that I love him and how this need refelected on the type and quality of our relationship. I don't know if I am right when I say that I think that to a certain degree a part of loving someone is wanting them to love you back. Does that dictate to a certain degree how much you "give" to the other person in your desire to be loved by them?
Of course when I asked him how important it was to him that I love him he answered that he hadn't ever really thought about it and then allowed an "I guess so"-not very reassuring. I had thought that when he told me he didn't feel loved by me it was him telling me he wished it didn't feel like that, that it hurt him not to feel loved by me. Now I realize that he was saying it to accuse me of being hypocritical, to throw my words and actions back at me. I always seem to get it wrong when it comes to what he feels and thinks.
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2 comments:
oh honey. it sucks.
that's a r answer if i ever heard one. i'm sure it is important to him. as in if he didn't have it one day, i'm certain he would miss it. love is a river and at times it goes underground. doesn't mean it's not there.
what if you acted just as friends? just be friends and leave that whole expectation business behind. do you think you could get back to being able to understand and accept him? and would he enjoy and respect you?
i dont farkin know man.
hug and big (cock)tail going out your way.
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