downer

weariness. tired. loneliness.
breathing in. breathing out.
making an effort not to cloud my mind with the paint, the furniture, the laundry.
should I say how on my daughters birthday I took her to the city for the day and how sweet it felt to just hang out? or that when she got her haircut and highlights it scared me that she looked 16 or 17 and it kind of took my breath away how beautiful she looked.
or should I say that I went out for happy hour with R, got slightly drunk and told him that we needed to get married because i need to protect my older one if I should die (custody thing)? I said it would be strictly business, hush-hush at City Hall and no one would have to know. Should I say that he pretended not to hear me?
should I say that not having a job is making me feel like the most completely fucking useless person in the universe? Should I say that the closer it gets to summer the more confused I get about having a job and the reality of daycare/daycamps vs. freedom for the kids (and lets face it, me)? Should I say how it feels to not even get an interview for a job that I know I am over-qualified for and having to constantly ask for money and then hand in my receipts?
maybe it's winter. maybe it's the gray skies all the time. maybe it's PMS but I definitely need a perk-me up.