when will winter end???

I have come to the realization that I live most of my life shut down behind big walls. I do not tell the truth about how i am and what is happening in my life. I prefer instead to appear happy and breezy and full of irreverence. It is a lie a lot of the time-not all, but a lot. I do not know why I do it. I think that I am trying to not bore others with my truth, maybe I do not want to ellicit pity or embarrassment or apathy. Maybe my own shame at not having it all together when I feel I should, at having to lay in this proverbial bed, or to have to make people understand. Maybe I do not want to feel judged. Maybe I think that people have their own struggles and are not interested in mine, their plates are full.
I think it is draining and selfish to unload on people and sometimes I prefer the facade. Life is just easier to manage that way, family and friends are easier to manage if things are neatly boxed and categorized. Not too many questions or looks that way. Sometimes I wish I could bust out with a more authentic presentation of how I feel but again. the fear.
Can you tell I haven't jogged or done yoga for almost a week?? this fucking cold is depressing me. I blame the cold.