Running woman

When I am running I am strong.
I am not afraid to leave. I can imagine my better life. My love being enjoyed. I know that there is a better life, a better way to live it and love it. I am a good strong mother when I am running. When I am running I tell you to your face. I do not hurt when I am running and I do not cry.

When I am running I am angry.
I curse you and yell. I tell you exactly how much damage you have done. All the labels and names you've thrown at me, bitch, cunt, crazy, fucked up, fuck off, shut up, nurse Ratchett, over-bearing, too demanding, shrill, I smash through them because it pisses me off to be treated like that by someone like you. When I am running I imagine you eating those words on the ground where you belong. I stomp on you like dirty fallen leaves. I am angry with myself for loving you, for wanting you to love me-you who cannot even see how fucking awesome I am because you are weak and stupid.

When I am running I am wise.
I see my own strength and wisdom and love in action in my girls lives, and yes, even in yours and I feel compassion for our weakness. When I run I feel the earth moving underneath my feet carrying me along the river's path, the birds my brothers keeping call. I know the anger and the love and the hope and the despair are keeping me whole and that I do not want a half-lived life.

The running is my vehicle to strength and anger and wisdom. It carries me into the rest of my days and nights. My edges are better defined. And you may not know it but it's okay because I am beginning to know it and you are mattering less and less.

beautiful, graceful, wise, loving, tender, affectionate, funny, warm, smart, strong, capable, caring,