How many different times and ways do you need to tell someone to fuck off before they actually do it? I must be a slow learner because it's taken me over 8 years but i think I finally got the message. I know that I have to be the agent of change in my life and in the lives of my children. I know I have to teach them better what love is and what love isn't. It may sound politically incorrect but I want to teach them that there are actually more important things in life than the pursuit of love; things like strength and grace under pressure, things like financial independance and the pursuit of peace. Love is just the icing.
I have been foolishly in the pursuit of love my whole life-often fruitlessly. I say foolishly because I didn't know that love was not an either/or proposition. I didn't know that you could love someone and still pursue your own goals. I thought love was the only goal worthy. And now because of that pursuit I am screwed. I have wonderful children but no money, career or options. I have strength and tons of love and compassion to spare but on a man whose heart is cold towards me. I have a home that does not belong to me and the fear of living on the street.
But uncertainty is better than this and so I am ending this year with optimism for a good life. I am ending the year feeling so blessed by all the wonderful and loving friends I have managed to gather. I am feeling so lucky that my kids are so happy and smart and beautiful. I am proud to be strong and healthy and to live my life with an open heart. I have managed to find love-I was just looking for it in the wrong place.
Merry Christmas.
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