this is it

I'm going to go out on a limb here and speak the truth. I will most likely regret it, but I am tired of the masquerade and if I can't be honest with you, then I can't be honest with anyone I suppose. We will stay together, but I know my partner of seven years does not love me. At least not in the way I want him to. He knows I know, he knows I've known since we met that he will never be "in love" with me whatever that means. I'm so in love with him. There's the rub, isn't it? Life is hard with him, often lonely, often sad. It's still great when he shines my way. But after years of trying I have finally realized that I can't make him love me, can't make him behave as if he does. It breaks my heart that in staying with me he may never have the opportunity to fall in love again, to find the one. Same for me, although I know that I have made my bed so to speak.

We have a family together, we live together and share our lives. There is always a BUT with us tho, you know? Even in the best of times there has always been an undercurrent of "what's is he missing?" "why doesn't he love me?"

I need to learn to love myself as deeply and honestly as I want to be loved by someone else. Only then can I create the life I dream of for me and my kids, and for him as well. This is the beginning of my journey.