My mother has spent her entire adult life-possibly her entire life-on a diet. My mother is a slim woman-great legs, shapely, long and lean-tiny waist, smallish bust. I know she eats but i cannot recall ever having seen her eat. She shuns sweets and walks and dances and rollerskates. It is fair to say she hates her body and has been at war with it as long as i can remember. If i mention that she looks good, she will argue with me, pointing out some horribly fat body part to emphasize my wrongness. All this despite the fact that she is a real catch, and always has a long line up of elegible men waiting to take her out. She dresses like a fox and even her lingerie is nicer than mine (i know, I receive her hand-me-down bras because after a couple of months she insists they are too small for her). I strongly suspect she is having more and better sex than I am as well.
However, I also suspect that in every other aspect save for the clothes and sex, i am becoming just like her. Last November i vowed not to spend another summer not wearing skirts and dresses because my thighs rubbed together in a most uncomfortable manner. i vowed not to fit into those unsightly "fat" shorts that I have been wearing since I had my littlest one-4 years ago.
I prefer sex with the lights off and do not enjoy appearing naked in front of anyone except my 4 year old. I see women on the street who are bigger and curvier than me and I think they look just fine-fabulour even. I do not strive to be skinny. I want to feel healthy and strong and muscular blah blah.
However. I have not been as diligent as I had hoped. Many days I simply do not have the time to jog or do yoga or workout. I am addicted to cookies and brownies. Even now that spring is here. My thighs still rub together. the fat shorts still fit snugly. I am filled with a sense of failure at my shortcomings and shame at my own (probably skewed) body image. My body just seems to have found this weight that it likes, is comfortable with and does not want to part with even an ounce of it. I am struggling with the notion of appreciating it and loving it-as we all do no doubt. I do fear terribly the idea of spending my entire life at war with this body of mine, of not ever feeling sexy in it, of not enjoying how it looks and feels, of this discomfort with seams and buttons. I fear giving up the joys of food and drink for a notion that is unattainable.
But mostly I fear that I too will pass all that on to my girls who are still in the glory days of just how fucking beautiful they are.
2 comments:
I'm 5'7" and for most of my life weighed 115 lbs, skinny, I know. Since I've turned forty, I've gained weight and now weight almost 130 lbs, still skinny I know. And supposedly what most women strive for. I don't like my body but I'm trying to. I am both fat and skinny, with skinny limbs, holding all my weight around my middle.
I've never dieted, so at least I haven't passed that on to my daughters, not that Katie knows or cares. My middle daughter worries about her weight, she weighs 105 lbs. The world has fucked with our minds. Most women seem to have a distorted body image, myself included.
I'm tired and rambling, but yeah, I want to love my body as it is, not how I wish it was.
i feel the same. then r. grabs my ass and says "yum yum" and suddenly i don't give a flying fark. it just takes the pressure off. i'm happy that i'm not in a relationship with one of those barbie loving guys.
i strive to be strong as well. at some point, you really have to just love yourself...and when i do, the clothes are so secondary. the thighs are strong and the boobs have been full tilt with milk. the stomach has helped devour many good sweets. i could change. but it would take effort that seems really inward. let's face it, i can't exist on espresso, grapefruit and boiled eggs like my mother used to, sorry, ain't gonna!
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