What I am

Running the other day, it occurred to me that I wasn't a runner. Runners are athletes and I am not one of them. I am not co-ordinated, not strong and flexible enough to be an athlete. Besides, I only run about 35-40 minutes through the woods admiring squirrels and trees and shadows. When I am finished running I do some light weights then about 30 minutes of yoga to stretch and cool down. I do that about 5 days a week-the other 2 being days that have slipped away too quickly to fit in a run.
As I ran I thought about that idea-the idea of me not being a runner-and I realized that I have always felt like an onlooker, an outsider-not a participant. I am an imposter, they are the real thing. They, being anyone else. I began to expand that idea and I then realized that throughout my entire life, I have placed these truths in my mind and heart and body. I became acccustomed to them and accepted them and they have usually proven true because I let them guide my choices and identity.
Some of the"nots" are as follows: I am not pretty or attractive and certainly not sexy, especially to members of the opposite sex.
I am not interesting.
I am not athletic or co-ordinated.
I do not stand out.
I do not belong.
I am not capable of wealth, that is for others.
I am not visible, or valuable enough to notice.
I am not the mothering type.
My body is not attractive or normal.
I am not good at math or science and I should therefore not pursue any dreams or goals that may require me to do so (basically all my childhood dreams of being a vet or an archtiect!!)
I do not belong in University-that is for ""other"people (rich? handsome? driven? I can't remember now).
I am not good with computers (this one is ,alas, true.)
I am not loved or worthy of love.

I need to start getting back to separating the truth from the fiction in my life so I can start defining myself in terms of what I am.