This is my thought today: I have a lot of people in my life who think I am pretty fantastic, unfortunately my partner does not appear to be one of them. I don't know if that is true, it may not be, but it feels true. I see all the happy couples around and about-it's like seeing only pregnant women when you want to have a baby-and I find myself feeling jealous at their happiness. Seething, yearning jealousy. The older couple on the bus who may or may not have been high, couldn't keep their mouths off each other. The trendy beautiful couple in black coming out of their Audi SUV and walking arm in arm into the Starbucks, smiling and talking and leaning into each other. My friend's hubby all giddy at their upcoming anniversary. The hugs and kisses and squeezes. There are smiles and looks between people who dig each other that never seem to pass between my man and me. I feel desperate for those smiles and nice quiet words together.
So what do I do about it? Nothing. I hide a lot. I go to bed early and quietly. I read my books and take care of dinner and try to appear indifferent. I pretend Colin Farrel is my boyfriend and he can't get enough of me. I hold the girl's hands when we're walking. In the car I pretend I'm alone with my driver and I don't feel the need to make conversation with an employee. I take care of myself and pay attention to the welcome signals when they come so I don't miss them. In short; pathetic. I've tried to change it, but I can't seem to get those looks, that soft smile. No one is to blame, it's just the way life is right now. I don't know if it will change or improve or end. I don't know when or how or why. In the mean time I work on being fantastic in my own eyes.
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3 comments:
I have always thought that R worships you. Honestly. To the point that I think he doesn't want to admit it to himself, because then he'll resent himself (and you, of course, by default) for needing you so much. It's a weird passive-aggressiveness. He's more open and loving with others because he has less invested in them. I don't know if that makes any sense, but there you have it.
Still, I know those feelings, and they indeed suck wads. I have been part of that happy couple, only to become someone who's been so deeply hurt that you think that pain will last forever. Those people have there trials too, such is the unpredictability of life.
oh blast.
i will ask you have they ever existed? cuz if they have, they can come back. but you can't get something back that was never there, especially out of someone else.
and yes you are bloody fantastic.
Sounds exactly like my life. I'm not the only one? Thank you.
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